Andrea- Bad Bunny

To have the privilege to just be. To have made peace with the facts of life. This chapter of my life has come with a lot of acceptance. Accepting not only the parts and pieces of others but of myself. As I briefly mentioned before, this year has come with a lot of dramatic changes. One of them being the end of a relationship. Now after months (and months) of mourning the sad parts, I realized something. I haven't given myself the chance to just exist. I have been in a relationship or desperately seeking a relationship since I was 18. I haven't gotten to know Andrea as an adult. My friends and family reminding me of who I am. I listen to them the way a child listens to a bedtime story. My eyes widen hearing of her bravery and kindness like I'm hearing a story of a princess slaying a dragon. In my eyes that's how foreign the concept is. I sit like a school girl listening to them tell me things about myself I had no idea of. But now I get to write my own story.

The past month has been like my memory is coming back. I've reconnected with old friends and made so many new ones. I've screamed Hamilton lyrics with my little sister again. I've been able to establish boundaries. I've processed events. I've experienced moments I thought only existed in books. And most importantly do what I want because I want to.

I know this sounds like a trauma dump but I think its important to get deeper into my introduction to better understand where I come from when writing about certain things. After all everything is connected. Also I wouldn't just trauma dump on y'all like that... Yet :)

As a writer, I want to be credible and trusted. The only way I've been able to make any of this make sense to myself is through words. If those TJMaxx journals could talk. My words have had such a powerful juxtaposition in my life. Writing has saved me so many times and its also been used against me. In both of my serious relationships. On more than one occasion has someone has ripped up words I've written them in my face. I've spent afternoons picking up pieces of my now tear stained love notes. I've spent a night hunched over my phones flashlight trying to tape pieces of notebook paper back together. Because I still wanted that person to have those words. I still meant everything. Writing being the one way I am confident in communicating, my love in ink form, and it's been used as a blade. No matter how innocent I mean it, sometimes I forget paper still cuts people if not handled correctly. Writing this blog has taken the sharpness out of my words. I've never used my words as a weapon but the men I've loved have turned them into deadly arsenal.

That's my reason. Of course I have a lot to talk about and I enjoy this space but I want to take sharpness out of my words. Learn that not everyone is deserving of the sticky notes and pens in my purse. There's an odd sense of power in writing this. It can't be torn apart. In some way shape or form this will be on the internet forever. As powerful as I feel, I cant help but remember the feeling of seeing my words laid small at my feet. I'm forcing myself to sit with it. Having to re learn your safe space is an uncomfortable feeling. But I am so excited to learn to love my superpower again.

In the words of the amazing Bad Bunny- Andrea

"Andrea, Hace tuit que se mame un bicho las personas"

"Andrea, be yourself and may people go suck a dick"

And to my first and forever love; writing. Thank you for taking care of me all these years , and thank you for finding me once again.

And with that thank you for reading with me, as always suggestions and notes are always welcome!

Andrea <3