Special- SZA

Congrats, you've made it to the juicy stuff. Now I may be biting my nails about this art but it'll be a time. Also, this is simply my personal experiences, think of it as a PG-13 version of my diary. In no way shape or form am I trying to publicly shame the people that have wronged me in these posts. I’m just writing about my life:)

Like most 23 year old girls in 2025, I tend to spend an unhealthy amount of time on social media. No matter how many body positive campaigns they try to put out, it's still so easy to compare. Now, I’ve had the same body type since I was in middle school. I can't remember a time when I was happy in my skin. Now a lot of this comes from just not feeling skinny but as an adult, there have been a lot of other factors that contribute to my body confidence too. For me, when it comes to relationships and boys, there's always been someone else. And they've never looked anything like me. Something like that changes how you look at yourself. No matter what they say after that, no amount of compliments can make you forget that feeling. 

It's interesting to see how your relationships with people and things are affected when you have deep issues with self esteem. When you've been made to feel like you weren't good enough to be the only girl. But how do you come back from that? How do you come back from seeing pictures and videos on their phone of girls that look nothing like you? When you start to match the dates and figure out that you slept with them the same night that they asked a girl for nudes. That the day they told you they love you and you had a conversation about marriage, they told another girl they were looking for something casual. For me specifically, I threw up every time I thought about it for the first two weeks. I know dramatic as fuck. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. And from then on there is no peace in that space anymore. I couldn't ever get comfortable, I always felt like something was wrong. Some part of my body was screaming at me at all times. My brain couldn't rest. It was exhausting. 

The humiliation of being so infatuated with a person. I would always put my life on the fact that they would never cheat on me, could never, and I may have accidentally challenged them. The dangerous part of being vulnerable is that some people take it as a game. I remember telling someone “I could never stay with someone after being cheated on again,” to which they responded with “ I don't think that's true,” That conversation was three years ago. I took that personally. The aftermath is just as much of a psychology experiment. When the man you love makes you feel disgusting, you search for that feeling in other people. Now, I waited until I was out of a relationship, I don't know I’m just nice like that I guess. Men will tell you anything when they want something from you. Especially when you both know you won't give it to them. They like the challenge and I liked hearing someone admire me. It's a win win. Even if it was fake. The inbox of dating apps is becoming addicting. It's a short high too, making it that much more intoxicating. Because it feels so good to hear how pretty someone thinks I am or how desired I can be. But I know every one of them would do the exact same thing. And that is not me saying that all men suck, it's just realistic for these specific types of men and what they are doing on these apps. It's not hard to dissect a man's intentions based on the cheesy one liner they hit you with. I sometimes sit in the humor of wondering if he used the same one liner on girls while I was in the other room making dinner or while I was asleep next to him. The question is kind of pointless though. Because I've asked it using these examples and showing the amount of damage done but I'm still villainized for my reaction. That has always confused me. Handing me a loaded gun and being pissed that it went off. Guess I’ll be that person then. 

It's the same at 23 as it was at 19. The difference is that I have a different sense of control. For some reason, this has taught me that I don't have to do anything I don't want to. In the same way I can do whatever I want to. I've been using that to go out with my friends and meet people. As great as it feels I have to keep reminding myself to detach other peoples ideas of me from what I think of myself. It's worked for the most part but of course there are still times I feel like I have to prove why I deserve respect. Which is crazy to say. I know but that's what I've come to. Feeling like I have to bat my eyes and say "Hi I would really appreciate it if you would just be a kind human and give me basic respect and human decency because I promise I'm nice and I deserve it" It's dehumanizing. Also something I'm not doing anymore. The block button and I have been bestie girls. I have been so used to apologizing for how others' behaviors made me feel but in the end there is no reason I should be apologizing. "Hey, so sorry I've been so sad and avoiding sleeping with you, I just remembered the amount of nudes you've had saved in your phone since we've been together" My bad. One of the reasons it's been so hard to see myself as pretty is because I've been shown I'm not enough by people who have told me they love me. I mean can you blame me? Scrolling through

messages of a man you planned to marry and girls that you've always envied.

So, like the song says "I used to be special, but you made me hate me," I think a lot of us can relate to someone or something taking away the spark that we had for ourselves. Then you start to get curius, well if someone could do this to me it must be amazing and I know I'm pretty and I'm gonna prove other men think so too. Its a slippery slope. I had every intention of fixing it at 20 but at 23 I found myself in the same spot and well healing is never linear. Let me say that again, Healing is never LINEAR. So I'm giving myself some grace and trying not to beat myself up over the things I have completely let go.

Thank you so much for reading. As s always suggestions and notes are always welcome!

Andrea <3